One of the core reasons I love traveling – and have loved living abroad for the past two years – is to better understand foreign cultures. To get the answer to the question of “How do they do it over there?” but more importantly to answer the “Why do they do it that way?” question.

So I found myself quite frustrated for the first couple months of my Japanese experience. I continued to hound my Japanese coworkers, friends, and other strangers (bartenders, waiters, random people I met outside Kyoto station) with Why? questions. But instead of getting any sort of substantive answer, the most frequent response was, “I don’t know. We just do it that way.”

My frustrations boiled over and I lashed out at a couple coworkers, “Aren’t you Japanese? How can you not know why do you things this way? Haven’t you ever asked?” And with these questions I began to realize the Japanese mentality of conformity and not asking questions of authority. Don’t stand out. Don’t think outside the box. Or, rather, you can think outside the box, just as long as you don’t tell anyone your crazy, straying-from-the-pack ideas. This means, don’t ask why. Just do it.

I have begun training my replacement at my company. He is not new to living abroad – he’s been out of the USA since 2001, living in Bangladesh, England, Thailand and Indonesia. But to Japan, he’s a newbie. And he insists on asking the “Why” question to everything. I answer as best I can. But he has quickly become familiar to my “You’re preaching to the choir” and “Damned if I know. Why are you asking?” shrugs.

Now, certainly there are parts of American culture for which I can’t answer the “Why?” question. I don’t know why it’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors. Or why we carve pumpkins on Halloween. Or why we sing Auld Lang Syne only once a year, the stroke after midnight on New Year’s. But I know why we eat turkey on Thanksgiving, why we light fireworks on July 4th, and why we say “God bless you” or “Gesundheit” after someone sneezes.

Most Japanese people I have asked don’t know why we take off shoes when entering someone’s house, why you say “Yorushiku onegaishimasu” (literally, “Please be nice to me”) when meeting someone or asking someone to help you, or why the Japanese flag is the way it is.

So today, my girl and I went to a small cafe we stumbled upon several weeks ago. The owners of this cafe are some of the happiest people I have ever met. They are both retired and opened this small cafe on the shores of Japan’s biggest lake, Lake Biwa, to pass the time and spread positive energy. When we last visited this cafe, we spent a couple hours talking with them about everything under the sun. The old man (his wife calls him “Grandpa”) pulled out a small whistle-like instrument and proceeded to play “Amazing Grace” and “Greensleeves” for us – both of which he learned simply by listening and mimicking a CD. Such a great couple, still so very much in love, we decided to visit them again.

Again, we had a wonderful time, and again, “Grandpa” broke out his flute and played a new song for us. When came time for us to leave, they both came out of the cafe (in POURING rain) to watch and wave as we drove by (even though we had shared about a dozen “thank you”s and “take care”s in the cafe before we left). When I asked my girl why they came out, she answered, “Because it’s Japan.”

And so that’s become the de facto answer to my unanswered “why” questions. So why do we eat soup with chopsticks? Because it’s Japan. And why are there so many popular cartoon characters who are pieces of food (Anpan-man, who’s head is bread, Onigiri-man, who’s head is a rice ball, and their merry friends)? Because it’s Japan. And why is there nothing said after someone sneezes? Because it’s Japan.

And that’s the only way it can be.

I want to apologize beforehand of being verbose and unclear in my writing, but what do you expect from an English teacher? When you come to Japan you will see just how easy it is to be confused and unclear about what you really want to say.

I have lived in various parts of the U.S; Connecticut, Texas, California, and the last 5 years in New York City. I think it would be fair to say I have seen a lot of different attitudes, different ethnicities, and ways of going about one’s daily life. I bet you are all thinking I am going to say, “but Japan is totally different from all of the rest”, right? WRONG! What I have learned from my stay in this “foreign” country is that many things are not so strange after all. As the song “Ebony and Ivory” goes, “People are the same where ever you go. There is good and bad in everyone.” People are just people; they love, they hate, they like sushi, they don’t like sushi, etc… It is to be expected that majority viewpoints differ from nation to nation and that the customs and attitudes differ as well. This can lead to stereotyping, which sometimes can be truthful, but there will always be exceptions to any stereotype. It is possible to find an extremely emotional Japanese person who listens to Bruce Springstein, who is not a hard worker, and who hates soy sauce; and it is just as easy to find a reserved American who takes of their shoes before entering a house, who would die for their company, and who does not believe in nicknames. If I were so bold as to sum up the Japanese culture in one thought this is what it would be; it is a society in which people do not cross the road when the sign indicates don’t walk. Where I come from, NYC, the crosswalk signs are only suggestions, if you are a New Yorker you’ll know what I mean.

Many of us live in countries where people say things like “bless you” after someone sneezes. Could be your wife or husband, your best friend, or even a complete stranger — but this response is so ingrained into us from a young age that we say it without a second thought. Not only that, but we also expect to hear it after our sinuses clear themselves. And while we might believe it to be a common courtesy that all humans participate in, the people in Japan follow no such custom.

I’m not sure if you can imagine how it might feel not to hear someone say “bless you” or even the German “gesundheit,” but for me it was quite unnerving — almost like an itch that lies just beyond your reach in the middle of your back. At first I thought that maybe the Japanese people around me just hadn’t noticed my thunderous blast. But as time went on, it became clear to me that something was amiss. Their silence soon became one of those “inexcusable violations” that can annoy any sane person.

So what’s the BIG insight from all this? It is this: that the little things count just as much as the big things — sometimes even more. If one stops saying “thank you” to his or her spouse for making a delicious meal, or forgets to congratulate someone on a job well done, the emptiness is felt. The person who failed to speak up may not perceive the error, but rest assured, one has been committed.

So in answer to the title question “Is no blessing a curse?” I believe the answer to be “yes.” No blessing just might end up being a curse — a curse to the relationship and to good-will. For if something so simple as not saying “bless you” after a sneeze can create a feeling of uneasiness, just think about what ill-feelings smolder below the surface when we forget to say “thank you,” “good job,” or even “I love you.”

During the first few weeks in Japan, I had witnessed many blatant and inexcusable violations of basic courtesy. It was almost as if the people all around me had lost all sense of human decency. Manners? All gone. Politeness? An afterthought. I knew that something had to be done. “Those Japanese need to be educated!” I proclaimed. “They have no idea how to treat others!” And so my personal quest to correct the Japanese of their backwards ways began.

Like a sword toting swashbuckler of the seven seas, I forced my way into conversations, ruthlessly thrust my opinions on how civilized humans are supposed to behave, and then watched as my prey writhed in anguish. When they finally saw the light with which I had graciously blessed them, they promised with clasped hands to mend their evil ways. They thanked me on hands and knees, using the bow reserved only for the greatest of the Japanese nobility. I was triumphant! The world was now a better place — all because of me!

Well . . . that’s how I envisioned it, anyway. The reality is that I screwed up, big time!

Isn’t it amazing how we can be so quick to judge how other people do things without ever really wondering why they do those things? In the face of differing views and lifestyles, we often charge in with opinions blazing. We attempt to correct the perceived erroneous opinions by stating that our beliefs are “the norm.” The “I’m right and you’re wrong” syndrome. But now I believe there is a better way: diplomacy.

Our opinions are closely tied to our self-image. We are the sum of our opinions and beliefs. When those opinions fall under the attack from an outsider, we very rarely change our ideas. Actually, the opposite occurs: we become even more firmly convinced that our way is the right way. During my first few weeks in Japan, I had proven this over and over with my fool-hearty quest. The Japanese people ended up being even more certain that their way was correct, and that the silly foreigner standing in front of them was just a rude, pompous ass.

Disagreeing is a part of life in any country. But if we can strive to be more diplomatic in our conversations, then I believe that we can achieve a far more positive outcome than by belittling the other person.